Official Apology to the Government of Canada
From Captain Alex Cornelissen
Dear Canadian Government,
I would like to apologize for the trouble we have caused you. I know that every year, you have wasted millions of dollars to keep an already dead industry alive. Every year, you have sent a fleet of ships out into the ice in Eastern Canada to make way for pathetic unemployed whining fishermen so they can kill som’. I know your helicopters are being used to haul beer and cigarettes to the sealers every time their boats get stuck in the ice.
I especially want to apologize for all those years in which we had the audacity to actually send one of our ships into the ice, and you had to spend even more money to have your coastguard and DFO show us who is the boss. And I particularly want to apologize for last year in which you had to send four icebreakers, two other coastguard vessels, two DFO airplanes, two military airplanes, numerous helicopters and a destroyer to stop our extremely dangerous video cameras (they are digital).
Apologies as well for having to spend a fortune to keep our retired vessel the Farley Mowat under 24 hour surveillance for the last 15 months. Sorry we left her in such a state of array, we asked the SWAT team if we could clean her up for you, but they refused. Sorry we had previously stripped her of everything of value, although I believe there are still some pretty lame DVD’s in the lounge, I am sure they will be to your liking. Sorry we had to let you pay a fortune in docking fees for a ship that seems to have turned into your worst nightmare.
I personally want to apologize for not being able to attend my court case, it was difficult to say the least being deported and banned for life and all. Although I was quite happy with that, as you see I live in Ecuador and don’t like to leave my home to visit banana republics. I am sorry for not being able to have a good laugh at the expense of those whining sealers when they talk about the most terrifying moments of their lives having to face our cameras.
But rest assured dear Canadian government: we will save you the trouble in the years to come because you have finally been exposed. With Europe closing the borders on your bloody industry you will have to eat a lot of throbbing seal hearts and seal flipper pie to keep it going. I am sorry I won’t have to come back to your country as I was quite enjoying your correctional facilities and had numerous good laughs over your ridiculous bureaucracy.
Captain Alex Cornelissen
PS- I am looking forward to hearing what my sentence is going to be, as I have several bets running…